at 27 weeks pregnant the nurse practitioner at my ob’s office measured me 2 weeks behind. usually that’s not a big concern, but on a hunch my ob ordered an ultrasound for the following week which confirmed that since my 19 week ultrasound, our little lucia had gone from the 25th percentile to the 16th percentile. at 32 weeks, i was referred to a fetal growth specialist who found via ultrasound that lucia’s growth had continued to drop and was then measuring in the 6th percentile. by the next week she measured at the 3rd percentile. i was monitored weekly and, by the grace of God, my amniotic fluid remained stable, blood flow to the placenta remained steady and lucia’s heartbeat remained strong at each appointment. at 37 weeks the drs decided to induce. four days before my scheduled induction, i got a random stomach virus with a fever and everything. i was sent to labor and delivery to be monitored and because they couldn’t bring down the fever, my ob/gyn decided to go ahead and break my water that evening at 6:30pm. almost three hours later the nurse noticed that lucia was not tolerating labor well and called my ob back to the hospital. at 9:00pm it was quickly decided that i would have an emergency c-section, but not before my ob asked what music i would like to have playing during the delivery. she agreed to play my entire playlist appropriately titled “lucia’s birth” – all songs of praise and worship to God. the entire c-section was only supposed to last 45 minutes from start to finish, but there were complications sewing me back up because i started hemorrhaging. after an hour had passed they decided to sew me up anyway in hopes that the hemorrhaging would stop on its own. i was kept in labor and delivery through the night in case the bleeding didn’t stop and another surgery was needed to correct it. praise God – the bleeding stopped by early morning.

lucia was born november 11th 2010 at 9:53pm – not breathing.

the details at this point are blurry to me still. i remember shaking uncontrollably. i remember telling my doctor that i was feeling light-headed over and over and over. i remember four or five people crowding over lucia on a table to my left yelling things back and forth to each other. i remember them bringing lucia over to me and showing me her pretty face for about two seconds before whisking her away to the nicu. i remember my love for her already large and endless even at first sight. i remember that’s when this darned sadness grabbed on to my heart. i remember the worship music playing in the background. and i remember God – His Spirit – being there – thick and almost palpable – filling up the room; covering my being.

to be continued…