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for people like me who have the athletic ability of a sea turtle in hibernation, going to the gym is not something we look forward to doing.

(that’s me.)

there are two main things i don’t like about the gym:

1. people who workout

2. workout equipment

today was my first day to workout in a very, and i mean very long time. i decided (my husband suggested) to start easy with a walking routine on the treadmill so as to not be intimidated by the actual workout. it’s intimdating enough to walk from the door, past mr. and mrs. tan gorgeous bodies, and onto the treadmill itself. my treadmill had a tv playing “live, with kelly” (ok, a good sign) and a fan to somewhat reduce the real risk of me passing out. i get on the treadmill, get lolo talkin’ and my music groovin’ and i decide everything is going to be just fine. however, almost immediately, i get the sense that people are watching me. in fact, i’m almost certain that an audience of about 100 fitness gurus are sitting behind me, elbowing each other and pointing in my direction. they exclaim things like:

“do you see her deperately pressing a bunch of buttons trying to get the treadmill turned on?!” or

“can she really not walk at a rate faster than 3 miles per hour?!” or

“wow, she’s panting and it’s only been 2 minutes!” or

“did she just knock her cell phone off the treadmill and trip on her way down to retrieve it without turning the treadmill off first?!”

darned fitness gurus.

but, i persevere. and i actually get pretty comfortable. it’s pretty much just me and lolo hanging out. i like lolo. she’s there to guide and motivate me and, for the most part, she does a good job. there was just one time when she made me look foolish by asking me to increase my speed so much that i had to start running – mind you it was a walking routine. but i’ll overlook it this time since she is just getting to know me. and i do feel like she rips me off a little on the “calories burned” seeing as how i finished the routine splashing in a puddle of my own sweat and frantically looking around for a heart defibrillator – lolo marks that as 132 calories burned. right. and i would have appreciated a reminder that after a 30 minute treadmill workout i will get off the machine and look like a drunken sailor walking toward the towel racks. regardless, i feel like she and i will only grow in our new friendship.

despite my gym woes, i did find an incentive worth going back for: the locker room (or as it should be called: the land of opportunity).

ladies, not only do you get a hot shower and time to blow dry your hair without screaming children at your feet, you get plenty of other amenities:

– free mouthwash. i used some about four times today and i absolutely enjoyed my minty fresh breath.

– free q-tips. if you can’t find a purpose for them – rub them between your toes or something, but don’t waste the opportunity.

– free locker. it reminded me of my locker in high school. i think next time i’ll bring my secretly hidden posters of kirk cameron and dean cain (shout out to the early 90’s) and tape them up on the inside.

– no lie, the showers had free razors and shaving cream – ingenious! some uninhibited ladies there should consider giving them a whirl. just sayin.

– free unisex deoderant. i wasn’t sure about this one, but i will try it some day because it’s there and it’s free.

tune in next time, for the continuation of my workout saga. which, i’m hopeful, will continue tomorrow and not a year from now.

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