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sometimes, when i’m flipping through tv channels, i’ll purposefully stop on bravo and drop in on the housewives of new jersey/miami/your vivacious location of choice. i may be having a bad day or be feeling like i snapped too much at adam, but just a few minutes of watching these ladies is enough to reassure me that at least i’m not that bad. i can give myself a nice high five for not backstabbing my best friend because her lip augmentation surgery turned out better than mine (obviously, it didn’t) or for not flipping a table over at a fancy restaurant and cursing out my friends and family while showing absolutely no emotion because my facial skin is wrapped so tightly around my head. remember last season when teresa did that? er…i mean, who watches that filth?! these ladies have set the bar so high on just how awful one person can be to another person that on any given day i can confidently say that i’ll never be that way and move on proudly with my life.

enter: our medical supply company.

our medical supply company is responsible for delivering lucia’s feeding supplies on a monthly basis. they provide us with feeding bags (where her formula goes), ferrell bags to vent her tummy through the night, gauze for protecting the area around her mic-key button and syringes for her meds. lucia is completely tube fed and does not take anything by mouth because if she does, her body automatically tries to empty her stomach. basically, the girl can’t eat if she doesn’t have these supplies – specifically the feeding bags. i didn’t realize just how much we depended on our supply company until two weeks ago.

two weeks ago, the supply delivery date comes and goes and we don’t receive our supplies. i call to remind them that we need supplies and they say we will promptly have them the following morning. the next morning comes and goes and still no feeding supplies. so, adam calls them to remind them and yet again they say we will have them the next morning between 8am – 10am. well, as you can probably guess those two hours of the morning pass, lucia is completely out of bags and i can’t start to feed her. due to her throwing up, which is so common in mito kids, lucia has to be fed on continuous 24 hour feeding. kind of like a slow drip of formula so as to not overwhelm her stomach. so, i’m a little ticked off at this point and i make a phone call.

i get transfered around to several people. one lady tells me supplies are on the way. another guy tells me the supply truck with our supplies is on the side of some road with a flat tire. and, finally, FINALLY i get to speak with larry the manager.

me: larry, are you aware of the delay of my daughter’s feeding supplies?

larry: yes, the driver is right here picking them up.

me: but someone just told me they were on some truck with a flat tire and that’s why they aren’t here yet.

larry: er, um….er….well…yeah, yeah…hang on a sec. *muffled voices* oh yeah! that’s right i forgot they’re on a truck with a flat tire. that’s right.

*larry, larry, larry. oh, dear larry. you have no idea what you’ve just done*

me: so, you are three days late delivering these supplies, and now you are going to lie to me to get me off your case about these supplies being so late? you can, in the very least, give me enough respect to tell me the truth and admit to the errors you guys have made and do whatever it takes to get those supplies to me right now.

larry: er….

me: larry, do you understand how important your job is? do you reailze that the people you serve, like my daughter, are completely dependent on you to be able to hydrate themselves, eat and thrive? do you realize i am completely at your mercy here? this isn’t some delivery of dvds i’m waiting on from amazon. this is how my daughter eats. do you know what it’s like, larry, to not be able to feed your daughter?

*this is the part when larry wishes he hadn’t quit his job over at the dmv*

me: my daughter can’t eat larry. i can’t feed her any other way. how am i supposed to feed her without these supplies. my daughter can’t eat!

me: (now screaming at the top of my lungs and shaking) MY DAUGHTER CAN’T EAT, LARRY!! MY DAUGHTER CAN’T EAT!! MY DAUGHTER CAN’T EAT!! LARRY, WHY CAN’T MY DAUGHTER EAT?!!!!! WHY CAN’T SHE EAT????!!

then the tears started flowing and every ounce of anger and grief i have felt for the past 2 years just started tumbling out of my mouth completely unrestrained.

and that day – poor, unsuspecting larry took on the hurricane that has been roaring inside of me since the day they told me lucia was not growing in my womb. larry bravely and boldly sat on the phone and listened to a mother-turned-psycho-housewife-of-the-south, screaming out to God with all ferocity what she had been so scared to utter even in whispers to a single other human being on this earth.

i didn’t think anyone would ever be able to handle anything other than the usual pleasantries of “how’s lucia doing?” – “oh, she’s doing just fine” . and here was larry, giving me permission to spew out my heart without making me feel like i wasn’t being grateful enough, happy enough, hopeful enough about lucia’s situation. i was able to just be me – wallowing in the depths of my awfulness and finding that even there God reaches down to pick me up and embrace me while i’m lost in the mud and the mire of my pain.

thank you, my God, for providing a much needed way for me to finally scream.

larry: yes ma’am, i understand. i’ll have those supplies right out to you.

*and he did.*

thank you, larry.