when i was younger, i used to daydream of being like certain people on t.v.. i would watch some actresses intently while trying to memorize the way they said their words or shrugged their shoulders so that i could sneak their quirks and mannerisms into my daily vernacular. i figured that if i did it just right, other people around me would recognize these unique quirks as cool and confident – perhaps they’d even earn me an invitation to pass notes with the mysterious, alternative girls in class (yo! 90’s, word up?!). somehow my plan never quite panned out, but i sure did watch a lot of t.v. and learned to accept myself by trying to become exactly like each one of these characters:
claire danes from “my so-called life”. i don’t remember much about this show other than jared leto and the fact that many things were said in whispers broken by long pauses which only emphasized the deepness of what was just said. i’d nod along to every hushed word and cry at each pause because i knew just what angela chase was saying about the meaning of life, the meaning of love and the futility of it all. i don’t have a picture of me actually being angela chase, but here’s me at 33 years old being me at 15 years old being angela chase at 17 years old:
time passed and i grew older and more mature. i no longer wanted to wallow in the teen angst of “my so-called life”. i graduated high school and i was ready for the next step in my life. and if by “next step” i mean i wanted to be joey potter from “dawson’s creek” because adam had a tremendous crush on her then yes, i would be right. my goal in life was to figure out a way to get my lips to curve as cutely as hers did. i mean, if she was so cute and innocent and disgustingly adorable that my boyfriend wanted to date her then i’d be darned if my lips didn’t curve like hers! believe me, i spent many a night in front of the mirror putting in my best effort at being effortlessly cute.
here’s the curvy lips:
here i am again at 33 years old being me at 20 years old being joey potter at 16 years old:
never quite mastered the lips.
then, of course there was:
felicity. felicity was all about gaining independence as a young woman in new york city. letting go of the old life, the former boyfriend and finding oneself while following the former boyfriend to college and then having to deal with not just one but two hot guys at your every beck and call. everything was also deep and angsty on felicity, but this time it wasn’t your average teenage angst. it was college student angst which made it so much more mature and wise. felicity made me realize that one day i, too, could ride the new york city subway in a cool blue sweater with sleeves extending past my fingertips while looking longingly out the window. and, guess what people??! i did. goal #314 – check!
here’s me at the 33 years old being me at 21 years old being felicity at 18 years old.
all that to say that i spent many years pretending i was someone else so that other people would find me fascinating. and, frankly, though i ‘ve never asked – i think it worked.
crazily enough, now that i am 33 years old i finally found someone on t.v. who seems to be imitating me and who has SO many of my same qualities and characteristics:
it’s like looking in a mirror. okay, okay – you’re right – she is way funnier.
the person i am really talking about is this:
kristina braverman. from, hands down, the best show on t.v. – parenthood. i do not have to imitate her at all because she is me already. her compulsion for planning ahead, her need to control situations and her paper thin skin and deep sensitivity that send in the tears at the drop of a hat. THAT’S ME! and i love her. it’s my one chance a week to sit down and actually enjoy and applaud all of my flaws and actually feel a tinge of pride for them. if kristina braverman can ruin a family vacation then, by golly, so can i!! this entire post was just so i could say that i heart kristina braverman and parenthood and all of the adult angst that comes with it. when will i stop loving angst??! perhaps when i turn 50. but for now, bring it on parenthood! i’m nodding at your every insightful word with wads of gooey tissues in my hands.